Thank you for coming back to read more on my journey.
Please read my previous post to get caught up if you are new to my blog.
I was released from the hospital on 11/10/00 after giving birth to my daughter who was born still at 37 weeks. I remember being wheeled out to the lobby in a wheelchair awaiting my husband to pull our car around. As, I sat there I could feel the emotions start to come up and at that moment I looked over to my right and saw a happy Mom with her newborn baby in her arms. I look down at my arms and nothing just emptiness and the longing for my child.
When my husband pulled the car up a nurse helped me to the car and I got up from the wheelchair and sat in the passenger side. When she closed the door for me and my husband started to drive home. I looked in the backseat and just lost it there was Narissa's carseat already in place in case I went into labor early. That is when my emotional journey started. You see the days in the hospital I was in shock, numb and felt like I was living a bad dream or should I say nightmare. I didn't allow myself to cry much in the hospital I wanted to be strong and almost act as if nothing happened because then I wouldn't have to face my reality.
Well as we all know that can't last forever no matter how hard we try it will hit you and when it does watch out it can either lead you to a path of self destruction or self positive awareness. I will talk about this more in later posts.
As we drove home from the hospital I was in so much pain emotionally that I didn't even feel the physical pain from giving birth. When we got home I was anxious about walking in knowing her nursery was already set up for her arrival and that I would have to walk right by her room to get to ours. My husband was so thoughtful and had put anything that had to do with her in her room and closed the door. This helped me knowing that when I was ready I could enter her room and see all of her stuff and boy did she have a lot.
It took me a few weeks before I could go in her nursery. As soon as I walked in I saw her clothes already washed and hanging up, her bottles, diapers, crib and everything a newborn we need yet nothing was ever used. The rocking chair in the corner was never used to rock her to sleep. The swing to soothe her when she needed it never used. My heart broke, the dreams of her life gone in an instant. I would never see my little girl smile, laugh, grow up, get married and have her own children someday. It didn't seem fair why would this happen how could this happen?
I never did get an answer medically of what caused her to pass away. My diabetes was under control there were no umbilical cord issues and the placenta was healthy. I do know spiritually why she passed away which I will get into later in my future posts.
My journey of the new me started the moment I got into my car leaving the hospital. I really hope you continue to stick around and follow my journey with me. There is so much that has happened since my loss and my hope and prayer is that I can help you through your journey no matter what it might be.
God Bless
Kim
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Loss Of a Baby
Loss.... well it just plan SUCKS!
Do you remember the first time you found out you or your spouse were expecting?
The joy, dreams, excitement and apprehensiveness that comes along with expecting a child.
Well, that was me over 13 years ago when I found out I was pregnant with my first baby in April of 2000. I couldn't wait I was over the moon, in fact I wanted to start wearing maternity clothes right away. I wanted the world to know I was having a baby and was sure to let everyone I met know my news.
Early in my pregnancy I was spilling sugars in my urine and my O.B. decided to do the sugar test early I think I was only around 12 weeks. Then I got the news I was told I had gestational diabetes. I thought ok no big deal watch what I eat and watch my weight. Little did I know I was going to have to give my self a shot of insulin everyday until I delivered. That was not what I wanted to have to do but to give me a healthy baby I was ok with it and did so everyday with monitoring my sugars very closely.
My pregnancy was pretty routine we found out we were having a girl and at 34 weeks my O.B. said he wanted to start doing NST (non stress tests) to monitor the baby's moving and heartrate because I was considered high risk being diabetic. I remember the first NST (they were always done at the hospital) it was pretty cool being able to hear my daughters heart go pitter patter and hear her moving around on the monitor. The nurse at one point said she would like to see my baby's heartrate rise for 15 seconds or so and then go back down. However Narissa (that was her name her daddy picked) decided she would just be relaxed and never did what she was supposed to they would give me juice, buzz my belly with a sound buzzer but Narissa just didn't react.
That is when the biophysical profiles (upscale ultrasound) started. They wanted to check her for breathing, movement, heartrate and amniotic fluid levels. They rated it on a scale of 8 and she got all 8 so I was sent home until my next scheduled NST the following week. I again went in for my NST and the same thing she did not react so again the biophysical profile was done and again she scored 8 out of 8 and I went home.
The following week I was scheduled for my normal NST it was for a Thursday. On the Tuesday prior I wasn't feeling her move and something in my gut said you better go in and not wait until Thursday. I stopped at Wendy's for a quick bite to see if that would help and she still did not move so I went into the hospital and was hooked up to a monitor and I heard her strong heartbeat and I felt so relieved. Again, a biophysical profile was ordered and she scored an 8 out of 8 and looked great. I was happy she was ok and was ready to go home until I was told my O.B. was admitting me because I was very swollen and he had concerns of preeclampsia (disorder that can kill the mother or baby if not delivered).
I was admitted on 11/7/00 around 2:30pm it was election day I still remember it like yesterday. I was not hooked up to the fetal monitor and never really thought anything about it. My husband was at work and was going to come in after he got off around 9pm or so. My sister came in we played cards, talked and hung out. She left around 7pm that evening. The nurse came in around 9pm to monitor the baby for 20 minutes or so but I asked her to wait a few minutes as I wanted my husband to hear her heartbeat he was never able to go to any appointments because of work. She said ok I will come back in a few minutes.
My husband got to the hospital around 9:30 or so and the nurse came back in to hook me up to the monitor. When she put the strap around my belly and adjusted the monitor I was preparing to hear Narissa's strong heartbeat but all I heard was silence, nothing. I thought hmmm this nurse has no clue what she is doing. I told the nurse I was just checked around 2pm that same day in triage and maybe its the machine she was using. She said let me go get the machine out of triage. She came back in hooked me back up and nothing still silence. She then called in two other nurses who came in with the hand held doppler (like the one used at a dr's office) then I heard it thump, thump awww I could breathe and then the nurse said no sweetie that is your hearbeat we picked up and they continued circling around my belly to try and find her heartbeat. At this point I knew something was not right. They ordered an ultrasound it felt like hours before she came in even though it had only been a few minutes. She put the cold gel on my belly placed the camera on my belly with the screen turned towards her she circled and moved and circled some more. At one point I looked up at her and said "there is no heartbeat is there" no response I asked again "there is no heartbeat is there" she said no I am sorry turned around and left the room.
What how could this be she was just fine 7 hours prior what was I going to do how was I going to face this? I remember calling all of my family who lived in Tucson and Michigan to tell them the news. My O.B. was called in and when he came in I said "knock me out I want a c-section and tie my tubes I never want to have another baby". He explained to me about the recovery of a c-section on top of the emotional pain that was not the way to go. So I was induced as I was only 37 weeks and not ready to give birth. Then 26 hours later I did the unthinkable I gave birth to my daughter who never took a breathe of air on 11/9/00 she weighed a hefty 8lbs 4oz and was 20 inches long with a full head of her daddy's black hair.
Fast forward to a little over 13 years and I will tell you I am not the same person I was then. My loss changed me for good...did I have more kids? Why did she die? Did I do anything with my loss?
I will answer these questions and more on my next post.
God bless and thank you for reading
Do you remember the first time you found out you or your spouse were expecting?
The joy, dreams, excitement and apprehensiveness that comes along with expecting a child.
Well, that was me over 13 years ago when I found out I was pregnant with my first baby in April of 2000. I couldn't wait I was over the moon, in fact I wanted to start wearing maternity clothes right away. I wanted the world to know I was having a baby and was sure to let everyone I met know my news.
Early in my pregnancy I was spilling sugars in my urine and my O.B. decided to do the sugar test early I think I was only around 12 weeks. Then I got the news I was told I had gestational diabetes. I thought ok no big deal watch what I eat and watch my weight. Little did I know I was going to have to give my self a shot of insulin everyday until I delivered. That was not what I wanted to have to do but to give me a healthy baby I was ok with it and did so everyday with monitoring my sugars very closely.
My pregnancy was pretty routine we found out we were having a girl and at 34 weeks my O.B. said he wanted to start doing NST (non stress tests) to monitor the baby's moving and heartrate because I was considered high risk being diabetic. I remember the first NST (they were always done at the hospital) it was pretty cool being able to hear my daughters heart go pitter patter and hear her moving around on the monitor. The nurse at one point said she would like to see my baby's heartrate rise for 15 seconds or so and then go back down. However Narissa (that was her name her daddy picked) decided she would just be relaxed and never did what she was supposed to they would give me juice, buzz my belly with a sound buzzer but Narissa just didn't react.
That is when the biophysical profiles (upscale ultrasound) started. They wanted to check her for breathing, movement, heartrate and amniotic fluid levels. They rated it on a scale of 8 and she got all 8 so I was sent home until my next scheduled NST the following week. I again went in for my NST and the same thing she did not react so again the biophysical profile was done and again she scored 8 out of 8 and I went home.
The following week I was scheduled for my normal NST it was for a Thursday. On the Tuesday prior I wasn't feeling her move and something in my gut said you better go in and not wait until Thursday. I stopped at Wendy's for a quick bite to see if that would help and she still did not move so I went into the hospital and was hooked up to a monitor and I heard her strong heartbeat and I felt so relieved. Again, a biophysical profile was ordered and she scored an 8 out of 8 and looked great. I was happy she was ok and was ready to go home until I was told my O.B. was admitting me because I was very swollen and he had concerns of preeclampsia (disorder that can kill the mother or baby if not delivered).
I was admitted on 11/7/00 around 2:30pm it was election day I still remember it like yesterday. I was not hooked up to the fetal monitor and never really thought anything about it. My husband was at work and was going to come in after he got off around 9pm or so. My sister came in we played cards, talked and hung out. She left around 7pm that evening. The nurse came in around 9pm to monitor the baby for 20 minutes or so but I asked her to wait a few minutes as I wanted my husband to hear her heartbeat he was never able to go to any appointments because of work. She said ok I will come back in a few minutes.
My husband got to the hospital around 9:30 or so and the nurse came back in to hook me up to the monitor. When she put the strap around my belly and adjusted the monitor I was preparing to hear Narissa's strong heartbeat but all I heard was silence, nothing. I thought hmmm this nurse has no clue what she is doing. I told the nurse I was just checked around 2pm that same day in triage and maybe its the machine she was using. She said let me go get the machine out of triage. She came back in hooked me back up and nothing still silence. She then called in two other nurses who came in with the hand held doppler (like the one used at a dr's office) then I heard it thump, thump awww I could breathe and then the nurse said no sweetie that is your hearbeat we picked up and they continued circling around my belly to try and find her heartbeat. At this point I knew something was not right. They ordered an ultrasound it felt like hours before she came in even though it had only been a few minutes. She put the cold gel on my belly placed the camera on my belly with the screen turned towards her she circled and moved and circled some more. At one point I looked up at her and said "there is no heartbeat is there" no response I asked again "there is no heartbeat is there" she said no I am sorry turned around and left the room.
What how could this be she was just fine 7 hours prior what was I going to do how was I going to face this? I remember calling all of my family who lived in Tucson and Michigan to tell them the news. My O.B. was called in and when he came in I said "knock me out I want a c-section and tie my tubes I never want to have another baby". He explained to me about the recovery of a c-section on top of the emotional pain that was not the way to go. So I was induced as I was only 37 weeks and not ready to give birth. Then 26 hours later I did the unthinkable I gave birth to my daughter who never took a breathe of air on 11/9/00 she weighed a hefty 8lbs 4oz and was 20 inches long with a full head of her daddy's black hair.
Fast forward to a little over 13 years and I will tell you I am not the same person I was then. My loss changed me for good...did I have more kids? Why did she die? Did I do anything with my loss?
I will answer these questions and more on my next post.
God bless and thank you for reading
I have been married since 1997 my husband is a Private Equity Fund Manager and full time Real Estate Investor. We own our own Real Estate company Results Guaranteed Realty here in AZ. I am a full time Realtor and also invest with my husband.
In 2000 we lost our only child to stillbirth her name is Narissa. In 2011 I lost my Mom to lung cancer in a very short time only 2 weeks after being diagnosed she was 62 years young.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ and have a strong relationship with my savior. I am a Christian who has a lot of compassion for the hurting especially those who have lost a loved one.
In 2001 along with a friend I started a support class "Grieving The Child I Never Knew" based off of a book that was written by Kathe Wunnenberg who now is a very close friend. I am still leading this class at Mission Community Church in Gilbert.
In 2011 I was offered a position at my Church to become the Funeral Coordinator. I excepted with gratitude as my heart is to help, support and love on others as Christ would want. This is an honor to serve the hurting at Mission Community Church.
In 2000 we lost our only child to stillbirth her name is Narissa. In 2011 I lost my Mom to lung cancer in a very short time only 2 weeks after being diagnosed she was 62 years young.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ and have a strong relationship with my savior. I am a Christian who has a lot of compassion for the hurting especially those who have lost a loved one.
In 2001 along with a friend I started a support class "Grieving The Child I Never Knew" based off of a book that was written by Kathe Wunnenberg who now is a very close friend. I am still leading this class at Mission Community Church in Gilbert.
In 2011 I was offered a position at my Church to become the Funeral Coordinator. I excepted with gratitude as my heart is to help, support and love on others as Christ would want. This is an honor to serve the hurting at Mission Community Church.
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