Thank you for coming back to read more on my journey.
Please read my previous post to get caught up if you are new to my blog.
I was released from the hospital on 11/10/00 after giving birth to my daughter who was born still at 37 weeks. I remember being wheeled out to the lobby in a wheelchair awaiting my husband to pull our car around. As, I sat there I could feel the emotions start to come up and at that moment I looked over to my right and saw a happy Mom with her newborn baby in her arms. I look down at my arms and nothing just emptiness and the longing for my child.
When my husband pulled the car up a nurse helped me to the car and I got up from the wheelchair and sat in the passenger side. When she closed the door for me and my husband started to drive home. I looked in the backseat and just lost it there was Narissa's carseat already in place in case I went into labor early. That is when my emotional journey started. You see the days in the hospital I was in shock, numb and felt like I was living a bad dream or should I say nightmare. I didn't allow myself to cry much in the hospital I wanted to be strong and almost act as if nothing happened because then I wouldn't have to face my reality.
Well as we all know that can't last forever no matter how hard we try it will hit you and when it does watch out it can either lead you to a path of self destruction or self positive awareness. I will talk about this more in later posts.
As we drove home from the hospital I was in so much pain emotionally that I didn't even feel the physical pain from giving birth. When we got home I was anxious about walking in knowing her nursery was already set up for her arrival and that I would have to walk right by her room to get to ours. My husband was so thoughtful and had put anything that had to do with her in her room and closed the door. This helped me knowing that when I was ready I could enter her room and see all of her stuff and boy did she have a lot.
It took me a few weeks before I could go in her nursery. As soon as I walked in I saw her clothes already washed and hanging up, her bottles, diapers, crib and everything a newborn we need yet nothing was ever used. The rocking chair in the corner was never used to rock her to sleep. The swing to soothe her when she needed it never used. My heart broke, the dreams of her life gone in an instant. I would never see my little girl smile, laugh, grow up, get married and have her own children someday. It didn't seem fair why would this happen how could this happen?
I never did get an answer medically of what caused her to pass away. My diabetes was under control there were no umbilical cord issues and the placenta was healthy. I do know spiritually why she passed away which I will get into later in my future posts.
My journey of the new me started the moment I got into my car leaving the hospital. I really hope you continue to stick around and follow my journey with me. There is so much that has happened since my loss and my hope and prayer is that I can help you through your journey no matter what it might be.
God Bless
Kim
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