Loss Of a Baby

Loss.... well it just plan SUCKS!

Do you remember the first time you found out you or your spouse were expecting?

The joy, dreams, excitement and apprehensiveness that comes along with expecting a child.

Well, that was me over 13 years ago when I found out I was pregnant with my first baby in April of 2000. I couldn't wait I was over the moon, in fact I wanted to start wearing maternity clothes right away. I wanted the world to know I was having a baby and was sure to let everyone I met know my news.

Early in my pregnancy I was spilling sugars in my urine and my O.B. decided to do the sugar test early I think I was only around 12 weeks. Then I got the news I was told I had gestational diabetes. I thought ok no big deal watch what I eat and watch my weight. Little did I know I was going to have to give my self a shot of insulin everyday until I delivered. That was not what I wanted to have to do but to give me a healthy baby I was ok with it and did so everyday with monitoring my sugars very closely.

My pregnancy was pretty routine we found out we were having a girl and at 34 weeks my O.B. said he wanted to start doing NST (non stress tests) to monitor the baby's moving and heartrate because I was considered high risk being diabetic. I remember the first NST (they were always done at the hospital) it was pretty cool being able to hear my daughters heart go pitter patter and hear her moving around on the monitor. The nurse at one point said she would like to see my baby's heartrate rise for 15 seconds or so and then go back down. However Narissa (that was her name her daddy picked) decided she would just be relaxed and never did what she was supposed to they would give me juice, buzz my belly with a sound buzzer but Narissa just didn't react.

That is when the biophysical profiles (upscale ultrasound) started. They wanted to check her for breathing, movement, heartrate and amniotic fluid levels. They rated it on a scale of 8 and she got all 8 so I was sent home until my next scheduled NST the following week. I again went in for my NST and the same thing she did not react so again the biophysical profile was done and again she scored 8 out of 8 and I went home.

The following week I was scheduled for my normal NST it was for a Thursday. On the Tuesday prior I wasn't feeling her move and something in my gut said you better go in and not wait until Thursday. I stopped at Wendy's for a quick bite to see if that would help and she still did not move so I went into the hospital and was hooked up to a monitor and I heard her strong heartbeat and I felt so relieved. Again, a biophysical profile was ordered and she scored an 8 out of 8 and looked great. I was happy she was ok and was ready to go home until I was told my O.B. was admitting me because I was very swollen and he had concerns of preeclampsia (disorder that can kill the mother or baby if not delivered).

I was admitted on 11/7/00 around 2:30pm it was election day I still remember it like yesterday. I was not hooked up to the fetal monitor and never really thought anything about it. My husband was at work and was going to come in after he got off around 9pm or so. My sister came in we played cards, talked and hung out. She left around 7pm that evening. The nurse came in around 9pm to monitor the baby for 20 minutes or so but I asked her to wait a few minutes as I wanted my husband to hear her heartbeat he was never able to go to any appointments because of work. She said ok I will come back in a few minutes.

My husband got to the hospital around 9:30 or so and the nurse came back in to hook me up to the monitor. When she put the strap around my belly and adjusted the monitor I was preparing to hear Narissa's strong heartbeat but all I heard was silence, nothing. I thought hmmm this nurse has no clue what she is doing. I told the nurse I was just checked around 2pm that same day in triage and maybe its the machine she was using. She said let me go get the machine out of triage. She came back in hooked me back up and nothing still silence. She then called in two other nurses who came in with the hand held doppler (like the one used at a dr's office) then I heard it thump, thump awww I could breathe and then the nurse said no sweetie that is your hearbeat we picked up and they continued circling around my belly to try and find her heartbeat. At this point I knew something was not right. They ordered an ultrasound it felt like hours before she came in even though it had only been a few minutes. She put the cold gel on my belly placed the camera on my belly with the screen turned towards her she circled and moved and circled some more. At one point I looked up at her and said "there is no heartbeat is there" no response I asked again "there is no heartbeat is there" she said no I am sorry turned around and left the room.

What how could this be she was just fine 7 hours prior what was I going to do how was I going to face this? I remember calling all of my family who lived in Tucson and Michigan to tell them the news. My O.B. was called in and when he came in I said "knock me out I want a c-section and tie my tubes I never want to have another baby". He explained to me about the recovery of a c-section on top of the emotional pain that was not the way to go. So I was induced as I was only 37 weeks and not ready to give birth. Then 26 hours later I did the unthinkable I gave birth to my daughter who never took a breathe of air on 11/9/00 she weighed a hefty 8lbs 4oz and was 20 inches long with a full head of her daddy's black hair.

Fast forward to a little over 13 years and I will tell you I am not the same person I was then. My loss changed me for good...did I have more kids? Why did she die?  Did I do anything with my loss?

I will answer these questions and more on my next post.

God bless and thank you for reading